Prompt 6

Flipping through your library books for research, you find one of the books you incorrectly checked out. It's a handwritten journal authored by someone you know. Who wrote it and what does it say?

Due: Monday, May 5th-ish

Great Samaritan

Dear Diary,

Day 1 of this captivity. What a waste, why didn't someone tell me sooner I needed to lose these schmucks and get on with a real life? Jerry and George deserve each other and I'm a failure by association, and Kramer... I don't know what he deserves, it might be this, but I shouldn't be around for this. Stuck in a jail cell with them because of some stupid new good samaritan law? I am a damn GREAT samaritan who made dumb choices by sticking around with Jerry and staying even after we broke up. If nothing else, maybe I'll have a ripe vault of material for the Pederman Catalog when this is all done, assuming he'd ever have me back. Still, aren't we all allowed a mistake in our lives? I mean, come on, David Puddy is still roaming Manhattan alive and free and painting his face for New Jersey Devils game, and that's the real crime here. Who can I talk to about that, anyway? Does the NYPD accept unsolicited letter of seeking employment?

God knows I have free time now, so I'm going to list all the people I would rather be stuck in a jail cell with for years instead of these three locos

-Mr. Pederman
-The rabbi in my apartment building
-Ned The Communist
-Joel Rifkin (the actual serial killer, not my ex)
-Simon the Pretentious Brit
-John F. Kennedy Jr (obviously)
-Roxy the Barking Dog
-Vegetable Lasagna from the Plane
-Vincent, of Vincent's Picks
-Frank Costanza

Oh Jesus, George has apparently been reading this since he can't find anything else to do with his useless life and saw I preferred his father over him. Now he's going on and on about how he's better than his father and listing out everything his father's ever done, and I'll give him one thing, he really is sullying that Costanza name, which is saying a lot cause that name has already been run through the mud and the sewers and dirty subways out to Queens and back.

Oh my God how do I get a transfer to Riker's Island?! I gotta go, I gotta so slap their faces and bang their heads together. Just another day in my life of bad choices.

Laney Benes

"Ironic"

Dear Diary,

I have been having the strangest day. Murphy’s Law is going to end my life. I am sure of it. I started out as usual reading the newspaper like I did every single day. Nothing but bad news as usual, with a feature about Thomas Grimley, an old man who had just turned ninety-eight, had also won the lottery and died the next day. Of course his entire fortune that he only just acquired went to his mistress Connie. His family was fighting tooth and nail for that money, claiming Connie had conned old Thomas into rewriting his will last minute before he died. After pealing myself out of bed, now in a slump thanks’ to that article. I dragged myself to brunch where my girlfriend’s canceled on me last minute. This was so typical of them. 

Glad I brought the paper with me to keep myself occupied and out of the depths of emotional sorrow being alone, again. I ordered off the brunch menu which was key on a day like this to get unlimited drinks! Finally after an eternity of waiting of my idiot waiter I got my much needed drink. I couldn’t take the stares from everyone around me, the sympathy looks, oh that girl is alone. She got stood up no doubt they were likely whispering to each other.

What the f, something was in my glass. It's a black fly in your Chardonnay that really knows how to ruin a good boozy meal. Do you think the alcohol would kill off whatever diseases that fly was bound to have on it. I hope it didn’t come from Spain. I flicked it out of my glass and it landed in the duster’s dish across from me. That poor old lady had no idea. I wasn’t going to ruin her meal. Besides the alcohol cleansed that bug…

Man this newspaper is such a Debbie downer. I don’t know why I keep reading it. This sad sack finally found justice after 13 years of fighting against the allegations that lead to his being put in jail for something he swore he didn’t do. Apparently the real murder was caught and confessed to everything. It's a death row pardon two minutes too late that really makes this story pull at my heart strings. I mean cheesits, that guy really was innocent, all this time, and the system failed him. And now that same system had to then waste all of that money all over again on the real killer. And isn't it ironic... don't you think, Diary?

I still cannot get over how unseasonably crappy the weather was yesterday. I cannot imagine how devastated Alexandra and Derek must have been and to cram all of us inside the entire time when really the only reason they chose that venue was to have the landscaping and the view of the water.

It's like rain on your wedding day is not at all the good luck mother’s tell their daughters to try to cheer them up when the sky had determined their mate match is doomed. The whole thing was a real disaster. I mean at least we all got bombed. The dj’s equipment was completely ruined so we had to rely on an old radio the owner of the venue dug up. I kept switching it to NPR because really who wants commercials at your own wedding, let alone someone else’s you are forced to go to. I did them a favor!

Forget about all those nasty remarks from the people on the dance floor. Interpretive dance, people!

Everyone can do it. I do it to Ted Talks all the time. Like a fool I followed the instructions on the wedding invitation and booked hotel and transportation immediately. Finding out later that a bunch of my friends had gotten a suite together and carpooled, guess I missed that email chain.

It's a free ride when you've already paid, had they invited me or offered me a ride. They only ever include me when they think my face will get us into some hot new place. It is never when they go to the movies or out doing something interesting. My mother has warned me about people like this ever since I made the decision to be an artist. But really mother, the other people are so less attractive. If I am going to be seen in public it may as well be with these assholes. It's the good advice that you just didn't take, and really my mother is right. Here I am sitting alone drinking dirty champagne at boozy brunch alone.  Who would've thought... it figures.

Speaking of my mother she just emailed me an article about my cousin Doug. He had died! Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly, afraid to go on roller coasters, afraid to play with us when we were kids. He was a big mamma’s boy and wanted to stay indoors at all costs. Somehow he managed to land a gorgeous albeit overbearing step ford wife and produce four perfect children. I cannot believe he died. I would have thought he would have outlived us all the way he was. Can you even imagine? I can see it going exactly like this: He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye. He waited his whole damn life to take that flight. And as the plane crashed down he thought, I knew it! I knew I should have never left my mother. Well isn't this nice...And isn't it ironic... don't you think.

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you. When you think everything's okay and everything's going right. And life has a funny way of helping you out when you think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up in your face, I mean not for Doug though he literally died. Life did not in fact help him out at all.

I realized this meant that I had to get a ride to go see his family, and I would have to pick my mother up first. She gave me a two hour window to get myself together and go get her. 

I had to call for a car service because there was no way I would be able to drive at this point, no matter how much coffee. I forgot to eat at brunch, again. I did order something at least, I don’t remember what. Ugh just my luck, a traffic jam when you're already late is the worst icing on the cake. It totally drives you crasy but there is really nothing at all you can do about it but stew. So there I am stewing. Whenever I stew I need a cigg. Of course I broke my last one but thought what the hell I can smoke each half and get over it. It isn’t as though the filter really does much anyway. The driver rolled down the divider to point at something.

A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break, you have got to be kidding me. I paid top dollar for this car service. Did he know who I was? It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife sometimes. If looks could kill. Ugh. Really! Could this day get any worse? It reminded me of my date last week, or what would have been a date, had I gone to the right restaurant. Instead I went to the bar where the guy my friends set me up with told me to meet him. I saw him immediately and he was gorgeous. We hit it off and talked for what felt like hours. Love at first sight!

It's meeting the man of my dreams and then meeting his beautiful wife who was late to meeting him for their regular date night while the sitter was home with their two perfect children of the corn. Her children she just had to show me immediately. I don’t blame her. I was totally hitting on her husband, having had no idea he wasn’t the Pete I was supposed to meet. But his name was also Pete, what are the odds? And isn't it ironic...don't you think. A little too ironic...and, yeah, I really do think... I am coming across super whiny today.

Diary, you are the only one who truly gets me. This entry would make an excellent song. Remind me to try it out at the next open mic.

All my love,

Alanis

Prompt 5

Think about your favorite TV show or movie.  Become one of the main characters and write a diary entry based on the last episode or, if a movie, based on a specific scene.  Start with "Dear Diary..." 

Donuts over New Mexico

It was a crisp January 2^nd morning, Newark International Airport was buzzing as usual. The line for Hawaii Flight 8754 was filled with cheery families, newlyweds, and business suits. The tri-state area had just been hit by its 10^th blizzard, the next blizzard was supposed to start within the next four hours. Everyone was anxious to get up in the air and in the clear before the storm canceled these flights, again.

Mary-Ann Schuster a business exec for big oil was supposed to have taken this flight for work six times already. Six times it had been canceled. Six times she had been stuck in the cheap hotel on the same lot as the airport as the snow had made it impossible to go back to her one bedroom high rise in Chelsea.

Mary-Ann hated to fly. She hated to have meetings with greedy wealthier than 99% of the population CEO’s but it was her job. She was good at it. She was the only one who could sweet talk her company’s numbers into fairing the way her bosses wanted. Her bosses, also part of the 1%.  She had landed in this job years ago graduating from Harvard as a human rights and environmental activists majoring in law and civil engineering. She was a rare breed. Mary-Ann went on to get her law degree at Stanford, wanting to be closer to sites that she volunteer canvassing saving the planet, the otters, the whales, the sea lion etc. 

Somehow one day she pushed her way into a media blitz live televised government schmoozing event, which was supposed to speak about the new building that would go underway, and instead became redirected by Mary-Ann to save the endangered blue bonnet nesting pelican, she caught the eye of one Jason Braverman VP of big oil who was there raising capital for a candidate his bosses were marketing for. Jason saw the passion that Mary-Ann had over a weird looking bird and thought what a waste of talent. Jason was a closer. It took him seven hours to close her. She made him work for seven hours before accepting the job she already decided she wanted the moment he offered it to her. Imagine the damage from within she could do if she had access to all of the secrets of big oil.

Jason came running up in line to meet Mary-Ann of course he was in his signature look of his ten thousand dollar dark grey suit with purple accents. Mary-Ann being the secret activist that she was bought all of her clothes from her friend who she went to law school with and decided to make organic business clothes for a living. They clothing looked a little off and was itchy but no slave labor was used in the making of it and no animals were involved and so Mary-Ann wore it happily. She was used to ignoring the public’s complaints and whispers. Mary-Ann was clearly surprised to see Jason and didn’t know what to make of his appearing there. “I am coming with!” He said. And her heart stopped.

Mary-Ann had planned on using this business trip to land in Hawaii and then take off on a cruise ship under a false name to disappear into the Alaskan wilderness. She had been planning this day forever. She had had to postpone it forever blizzard that had prevented her from getting on this plane. At first she thought it was an omen, and then she rallied realizing it is global warming and that she would soon be making the difference she had led out to do when she signed up with big oil. She had it all set for the moment that cruise ship takes off a chain reaction would begin thus taking down big oil. Why oh why was Jason Braverman here when she knew he hated business trips. He was going to ruin everything. “Hello Jason.” She said doing her best Newman from Seinfeld impersonation. It was this impersonation that struck at Jason in a way he couldn’t figure out. It made him upset for her to think that he was the enemy. He knew where she stood politically and environmentally. He had hoped that she would revolutionize big oil and bring it into the future of sustainability, after all oil was becoming more and more scarce. Jason was forced into this job by his father and grandfather, six uncles, and four older brothers. It was a family business. They were from Texas after all and everything they did was big.

He went to Brown for undergrad for science, went to Stanford for a Masters in science, then a masters in engineering, then a masters in sustainability. He was still working on his PhD as his family got a bit irritated realizing that Jason was not in fact getting the MBA he had said he was, twice. They didn’t have any use for him getting science lessons. Jason so far was disappointed with Mary-Ann. She had done every her bosses had asked of her. She never rocked the boat, never suggested any alternatives. It was the weirdest thing about her outside of her clothing choice and her decision to never wear make-up as it was a horrific industry of abuse and planet destroying, not to mention taking away self-esteem.

She was very quiet around him all the time. Where had that girl gone that he had seen protest with more passion than anyone he had ever met? She fidgeted with her dura-suit which could be used as a sled or eaten if needed, she explained once when they were stuck in an elevator and Jason was caught staring at her. He didn’t care about the suit. “I moved us both up to first class! You’d think there would be more security in allowing me to change someone else’s ticket not even related to me.” Jason rambled when he was nervous, and Mary-Ann was  a great source for that. This was going to be a long plane ride.

After hours of Mary-Ann trying to avoid eye contact for fear of being caught, and Jason who then filled in the empty space where tension existed by talking about anything he could think of. Mary-Ann finally excused herself to go hide in the bathroom. How could she stick with her plan when Jason just explained to her how he wanted her to change big oil by turning it around from within? It shamed her to think that perhaps he was right and that she had wasted all of this time when she could have been doing a direct route of pushing for sustainable alternatives. It was big oil though; they would have fired her had she brought it up. Wouldn’t they have? She doubted her plans more and more, when the captain came on, “We are experiencing technical difficulties and will be landing in TruthorConsequences, New Mexico. It shouldn’t be long before we are back up in the air.”

Mary-Ann found her seat next to Jason who seemed to still be talking without her. Landing for more than an hour would mean Mary-Ann would not make the cruise, and then not be able to disappear as planned while her big oil take down still happened. She couldn’t breathe. She in fact passed out.

“Mary-Ann, Mary-Ann can you hear me?” Her eyes had trouble adjusting in the harsh sun light. “We are taking you to the hospital here. You fainted and couldn’t be woken back up until now. And I tried everything.” He said. Tried everything? What did that mean? Taking us to the hospital? Where were we, had we made it to Hawaii?  “The plane, the plane,” she said. “No its okay they can’t get it to take off. Some guy was hiding in the undercarriage of the plane. He had switched the fuel with donut grease. Can you imagine? What a wacko.” Jason rambled. Mary-Ann was reminded of someone she used to date, in fact her only long term boyfriend, used to pull stunts like this all the way back in college. But no it couldn’t be.

The jacket of the two volunteer first aid squad members read TruthorConsequences. She did not make it to Hawaii, she was in fact in hell, she figured. At any minute she would be picked up by homeland security or worse big oil and never seen again. While she was being lifted into the ambulance, she was able to see the man Jason had mentioned being taken in handcuffs by local authorities into a police car. He looked just like her ex Roger. She could have sworn it was him. Wouldn’t that be ironic. It couldn’t be him. Last time she heard Roger had disappeared into Malaysia after pulling an epic stunt of setting off 400 Canadian geese at a big tobacco gala in Alabama.

“I am her fiancée, I will be riding with.” Did he just say that? Jason was shoving himself into the tiny old ambulance with her. He even held her hand to continue his lie. What drug was this guy on? He was out of his mind Mary-Ann thought. He was also making it impossible for her to sneak away and find her new ride to Alaska. She was holding on to her hopes of escaping into the wilderness. Her new life was waiting for her.

Suddenly the ambulance was being redirected, driving dangerously, but she could not overhear what was happening. Jason was getting slammed against the ambulance walls and of course onto Mary-Ann finally wrapping himself around her and the gurney she was strapped to as it was the only thing he could anchor too. Get off of me she said but he couldn’t hear her as she had said it through the smooched oxygen mask under his right peck. “Don’t panic Mary-Ann I got you.” Jason said. At this point the oxygen from the small tank was the only thing keeping her from being suffocated by unknowing Jason.

The ambulance screeched to a halt. And the back doors swung open, as she heard the front doors open and the driver shriek. “Mary-Ann, don’t panic.” A different voice said. It was in fact her crazy ex-boyfriend Roger. “I did it Mary-Ann, just like I promised you. You said if I ever changed the world, you would take me back.” Jason was still shielding Mary-Ann with his body blocking Roger to take her in his arms as he planned. Three men in cat burglar outfits vaguely reminiscent of Mary-Ann’s weird clothing entered the small space to drag Jason away from Mary-Ann and pull Mary-Ann out via the stretcher.

“I know it is a lot to take in, but we kind of don’t have the time right now,” that sounded familiar to when she used to date Roger, something made her more uneasy than usual. Quickly in the blazing heat of New Mexico they were put into an unmarked black windowless van.  “Roger, it feels like you are kidnapping us.” Mary-Ann was finally able to free herself of the straps and crunch oxygen mask. Roger was too busy speaking with the other, idiots, Mary-Ann decided to call them.

“Roger, did you put donut grease in that airplane?” She said.

Smiling like a jack’o’lantern in heat, Roger said, “Baby I knew you’d understand.” Roger kissed her on the lips. And then got home made pepper sprayed in the face. Which under the circumstances was understandable, however in a small area like the back of a van more consideration should have been taken. The homemade pepper spray hit the air and multiplied, stinging everyone’s eyes and nostrils, and throats. “I remember that recipe, babe. It really is just like old times,” Roger the idiot said. Moments later they pulled to a stop and opened the doors of the van to get air. Little did Mary-Ann know Rogers plan was just the beginning.  Before them laid miles of tent villages and the old wooden sign repainted Peace Farms and Higher Education Village. Higher had a pot leaf as the space filler where the G should be. This was an old commune. It was filled with hundreds of dirty looking hippies.

“This is our new home, until we can make it safely out of the country.” Roger the idiot declared, with the hopeful smile of one who doesn’t realize he isn’t going to make the jump.  “At least let Jason go, Roger, he has nothing to do with me.” She said.

“I want to stay,” Jason said. Roger was already handing Jason a pack, it had his name written on it in marker, Roger’s handwriting. And then Roger handed Mary-Ann her pack.

“What the f is going on? Why do you have a pack for Jason, how did you know I was going to be on that plane?” She said.

“Well Mary-Ann, Jason here paid for our little excursion.” Roger said.

“Roger all that is in this bag is a bunch of stale twizzlers, old hiking boots, an American flag bikini top, and peace sign sunglasses.” She said.

“Babe, I know, it’s everything you left behind the day you put our relationship on hold.” Roger the idiot said.

Instead of dealing with Roger and his crazy ass backwards view on the world, Mary-Ann turned her anger onto Jason.

“What did I ever do to you, that you would do this to me? I have always done all of the assignments you have given me in record time, inflating all goals and tripling our intake.” She said.

“I didn’t hire you to do the job, I mean I did, but I expected you to use your passion for saving the planet to change big oil. And so I figured you like everyone before you just fell in love with all the money and spoils of war. So I took it upon myself to snap you out of it, with a little help from Robert.” He said.

“It’s Roger,” Roger the idiot said.

“If you really want, you can go back to your new reality, but you have to give us one week to let us change your mind.” Jason said.

“Can anyone find me here?” She said.

“We are as off the grid you can get, while staying actually on the grid. This old Christmas tree farm supports itself. We have new identification for everyone here, and your old life cannot find you. If you so choose. But if you want your old life, your old familiar comforts, once you leave you never come back.”

In a way, despite Roger being the dumbest scientist she knew, he kind of helped her escape, without having to go to Alaska and escape solo into the wilderness.

One week turned into ten years. 

Jason and Mary-Ann were married by Roger who finally got over his love of Mary-Ann by finding comfort in the lord… and booze. Big oil became obsolete thanks to Mary-Ann's plans, and was instead replaced by a bunch of mini alternative energy companies that shared resources instead of monopolizing earth’s bounty. That plane that landed in TruthorConsequences New Mexico never did take off again, turns out donut grease it not a healthy alternative for flying.