"Ironic"

Dear Diary,

I have been having the strangest day. Murphy’s Law is going to end my life. I am sure of it. I started out as usual reading the newspaper like I did every single day. Nothing but bad news as usual, with a feature about Thomas Grimley, an old man who had just turned ninety-eight, had also won the lottery and died the next day. Of course his entire fortune that he only just acquired went to his mistress Connie. His family was fighting tooth and nail for that money, claiming Connie had conned old Thomas into rewriting his will last minute before he died. After pealing myself out of bed, now in a slump thanks’ to that article. I dragged myself to brunch where my girlfriend’s canceled on me last minute. This was so typical of them. 

Glad I brought the paper with me to keep myself occupied and out of the depths of emotional sorrow being alone, again. I ordered off the brunch menu which was key on a day like this to get unlimited drinks! Finally after an eternity of waiting of my idiot waiter I got my much needed drink. I couldn’t take the stares from everyone around me, the sympathy looks, oh that girl is alone. She got stood up no doubt they were likely whispering to each other.

What the f, something was in my glass. It's a black fly in your Chardonnay that really knows how to ruin a good boozy meal. Do you think the alcohol would kill off whatever diseases that fly was bound to have on it. I hope it didn’t come from Spain. I flicked it out of my glass and it landed in the duster’s dish across from me. That poor old lady had no idea. I wasn’t going to ruin her meal. Besides the alcohol cleansed that bug…

Man this newspaper is such a Debbie downer. I don’t know why I keep reading it. This sad sack finally found justice after 13 years of fighting against the allegations that lead to his being put in jail for something he swore he didn’t do. Apparently the real murder was caught and confessed to everything. It's a death row pardon two minutes too late that really makes this story pull at my heart strings. I mean cheesits, that guy really was innocent, all this time, and the system failed him. And now that same system had to then waste all of that money all over again on the real killer. And isn't it ironic... don't you think, Diary?

I still cannot get over how unseasonably crappy the weather was yesterday. I cannot imagine how devastated Alexandra and Derek must have been and to cram all of us inside the entire time when really the only reason they chose that venue was to have the landscaping and the view of the water.

It's like rain on your wedding day is not at all the good luck mother’s tell their daughters to try to cheer them up when the sky had determined their mate match is doomed. The whole thing was a real disaster. I mean at least we all got bombed. The dj’s equipment was completely ruined so we had to rely on an old radio the owner of the venue dug up. I kept switching it to NPR because really who wants commercials at your own wedding, let alone someone else’s you are forced to go to. I did them a favor!

Forget about all those nasty remarks from the people on the dance floor. Interpretive dance, people!

Everyone can do it. I do it to Ted Talks all the time. Like a fool I followed the instructions on the wedding invitation and booked hotel and transportation immediately. Finding out later that a bunch of my friends had gotten a suite together and carpooled, guess I missed that email chain.

It's a free ride when you've already paid, had they invited me or offered me a ride. They only ever include me when they think my face will get us into some hot new place. It is never when they go to the movies or out doing something interesting. My mother has warned me about people like this ever since I made the decision to be an artist. But really mother, the other people are so less attractive. If I am going to be seen in public it may as well be with these assholes. It's the good advice that you just didn't take, and really my mother is right. Here I am sitting alone drinking dirty champagne at boozy brunch alone.  Who would've thought... it figures.

Speaking of my mother she just emailed me an article about my cousin Doug. He had died! Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly, afraid to go on roller coasters, afraid to play with us when we were kids. He was a big mamma’s boy and wanted to stay indoors at all costs. Somehow he managed to land a gorgeous albeit overbearing step ford wife and produce four perfect children. I cannot believe he died. I would have thought he would have outlived us all the way he was. Can you even imagine? I can see it going exactly like this: He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye. He waited his whole damn life to take that flight. And as the plane crashed down he thought, I knew it! I knew I should have never left my mother. Well isn't this nice...And isn't it ironic... don't you think.

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you. When you think everything's okay and everything's going right. And life has a funny way of helping you out when you think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up in your face, I mean not for Doug though he literally died. Life did not in fact help him out at all.

I realized this meant that I had to get a ride to go see his family, and I would have to pick my mother up first. She gave me a two hour window to get myself together and go get her. 

I had to call for a car service because there was no way I would be able to drive at this point, no matter how much coffee. I forgot to eat at brunch, again. I did order something at least, I don’t remember what. Ugh just my luck, a traffic jam when you're already late is the worst icing on the cake. It totally drives you crasy but there is really nothing at all you can do about it but stew. So there I am stewing. Whenever I stew I need a cigg. Of course I broke my last one but thought what the hell I can smoke each half and get over it. It isn’t as though the filter really does much anyway. The driver rolled down the divider to point at something.

A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break, you have got to be kidding me. I paid top dollar for this car service. Did he know who I was? It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife sometimes. If looks could kill. Ugh. Really! Could this day get any worse? It reminded me of my date last week, or what would have been a date, had I gone to the right restaurant. Instead I went to the bar where the guy my friends set me up with told me to meet him. I saw him immediately and he was gorgeous. We hit it off and talked for what felt like hours. Love at first sight!

It's meeting the man of my dreams and then meeting his beautiful wife who was late to meeting him for their regular date night while the sitter was home with their two perfect children of the corn. Her children she just had to show me immediately. I don’t blame her. I was totally hitting on her husband, having had no idea he wasn’t the Pete I was supposed to meet. But his name was also Pete, what are the odds? And isn't it ironic...don't you think. A little too ironic...and, yeah, I really do think... I am coming across super whiny today.

Diary, you are the only one who truly gets me. This entry would make an excellent song. Remind me to try it out at the next open mic.

All my love,

Alanis